Be In The Picture

Like many mothers, I often find myself behind the camera instead of in front of it. I don't often find myself in front of the camera, and when I do I rarely like what I see. It's easier to hind behind my lens and capture memories of my amazingly beautiful children than it is to hand the camera off to someone else and put myself in front of it. Of course, we now live in the day and age of cell phones and selfies, and my older two have started asking more and more for selfies with mommy. Sometimes I oblige and then sit there criticizing every wrinkle and grey hair. Sometimes I make up an excuse why I can't right now just to avoid having to look at my adorable children next to the tired looking mess that is their mother. 

It has to stop. My children want pictures with me, and I want to give them that. It's easy to say to myself "When I get my greys dyed." or "When I loose 20lbs.", but they want the pictures now and they shouldn't have to go without that because their mother struggles with her self esteem. One of the reasons I love photography and being the person behind the lens is that it is a way for me to capture memories forever. Memories of my children as babies, spending all to rare time with their extended families, remembering those milestones that are so precious...and I owe it to them to give them those memories of me too. It's easy to say "later...after...when...", but what if, God forbid, that day doesn't come. What if I get sick? What if there is an accident? What if there isn't a chance for me to leave those memories for them? All that aside, what if they just look at me one day when I am far older and more wrinkled and ask "Mom, why aren't there any pictures of you and me when I was small?"

So, I have decided that 2016 is the year of being in front of the camera as much as I am behind it...almost. 2016 is the year I am going to launch my personal Be In The Picture project. (I even made neat little tags on Instagram! #beinthepictureproject and #beinthepictureproject2016) I am going to do it. For them. For my husband. For myself. Not only am I going to try to be in the picture more, but I'm going to try to see me how they see me. Strong, and funny, and with a belly that "wobbles all silly". (And he said it like it was a good thing, my Bash!) I'm going to try to see the beauty they do instead of the wrinkles and grey hair and sleepy bags. 

We went to Garden of the Gods on Saturday, and I made a conscious effort to be in front of the camera more despite the fact that my hair was in a messy pony tail, I looked tired because the little girl hadn't been sleeping well, and I was in work out clothes. I made sure to be in both my cell phone camera pictures and my Canon, which I had Michael carry knowing that he would be more likely to get pictures of me that way. (I only have cell phone pictures in this post.) I had a lot of fun showing Alex around, climbing up and down beautiful rock formations, and taking goofy pictures with my family. I have to do it more often. I want all these memories to include me too after all. 

Eleanor hasn't been herself. Her brothers have passed a cough and runny nose down to her, and while that seems to be all that it is, it's keeping her up nights. Lack of sleep=tired, cranky baby. On the other hand, she was perfectly content to be worn the entire time we were at Garden of the Gods, and even fell asleep with the sun shade over her head after awhile. Even tired and not smiling she is gorgeous! 

I am firmly convinced that Garden of the Gods is one of the most beautiful places in Colorado!

"Mommy! Take a picture of us!" I don't even have to pose them. They just automatically grab onto one another as if they never want to let go. I love these boys so very much!

These are my "Happy Shoes", because they make me happy to wear. Yes, I sing Pharrell's song in my head every time I put them on. Sometimes I sing it out loud. I love these shoes!

When I say "Hey, Alex, come here!" she immediately pops up around my shoulder for a goofy picture. Because she is my SisterCousin, and that is how we do things in this family. I am so, so glad that she decided to come visit us out here in Colorado!

I usually wouldn't have shared this picture. I am not thrilled with how I look in it at all, but it's me and my husband and a baby photo bomb, and I want to look back on it one day and laugh! So, here we are. Not perfect, but pretty darn awesome! #beinthepictureproject

I love this picture, and wish it was on the camera instead of just my phone! It's contrasty, and off centered, and about as amateur as you can get, but I love it. We were all "baby wearing", even though for Michael and Alex that meant that they were giving piggy back rides without the help of my rocking Ergo. You can see all 6 of us, even the top of Eleanor's little head, and we all look so freaking happy! I love it! It's currently my profile picture on Facebook. I want it framed. I love my family! 

I love this man. I am doing this Be In The Picture thing for him too. I want these pictures. I want them for him if anything were to ever happen to me, and I want them for us when we are old and grey and remembering. I've spent the last fourteen years of my life with him as my partner, and I want a record of the next 70 years too!

"Mommy! Take a selfie with me!"

"I think that makes it an Us-ie then."

"Okay. Let's take an us-ie."

We took this one three times, because we needed three times, but we are still pretty awesome. (And this one was so much better than the one before it. Be In The Picture project or not, there was no way I was posting that!) 

All three of my boys want to rock climb. They watched a group of young men climbing while we were there, and then chattered excitably about how they would do that one day. It makes Mommy a nervous wreck, but even Alex argued that they have "safe" places to do it. It seems I am outnumbered. I wonder if it will embarrass them to have their mother running around beneath them with a mattress yelling "Don't worry, sweetie! I'll catch you!" 

Be in the picture, friends. You can even hashtag it on Instagram! Just be in the picture. 

Have I Mentioned...

...how awesome it is having my cousin here for a visit?! Not only do my children get some amazing quality time with their Godmother, but I have another adult here to chat with all day long! Poor girl's ears probably ache by the time we go to bed at night, but we laugh. There is so much laughing. We cover a lot of topics in a day too.

She's also wonderful at helping me pick out adorable clothes for my children when we go to places like Once Upon A Child, though I'm not sure how happy Michael is about that part. ;)

I miss having family around so much, so it means so very much to me when we do get that opportunity! I'm having so much fun, and wish she'd just never leave. I do understand that she has to, but it certainly is nice to dream.

I have no pictures to share yet. I will, but I don't yet. For now just enjoy another picture of our old pup playing in the snow. I'll have Holly and Alex pictures later.

 

Happy Birthday!

Today is my great-grandma's birthday! She would have turned 104 this year, and while I know that it isn't very realistic to think she would still be here, I so wish that she had met my children. I imagine that she would have been so entertained by my Parker, would have adored the Lady Eleanor, and Bash...I think she would have had a very special bond with my quiet, shy boy. 

I come from a long line of amazing, strong, fabulous women. She was one of them, and I am proud that she was mine, and blessed to have had almost twelve years of her inspiring, guiding, and loving  me. She's been gone for twenty years now, but I still feel her here often. I do hope, if there is life after our Earthly one, that she is able to peek in on us from time to time. I hope she sees my babies and knows that I still love her so very much!

Happy birthday, Grandma! 

Full to the Top!

My guest room is no longer empty, and I am so happy! My amazing cousin, and the littles Godmother, is here for a visit! It is so wonderful to have family visiting. The boys have been falling over themselves to get her attention, and even offered to be her servers if she would stay and live with us forever. Even Eleanor has been shyly flirting with her Godmama.

She might not be able to stay forever, but we are happy to have her as long as she can stay. Full heart, full home, full guest room!

A Long Time Ago...

Today I watched Penn State loose spectacularly to Georgia in the Gator Bowl. (Because I refuse to call it the Tax Slayer Bowl. What an asinine name.) By spectacularly I don't mean that it was a horrible loss. I mean it was actually an exciting game to watch where you actually thought they might come back to tie it and go into overtime until those last 5 seconds or so. Good job, Penn State. I look forward to next season.

After the game is the important part though, because we took the littles out to the mall for some special family time. Eleanor and I wanted to see the new Girl of the Year at American Girl, (You laugh here, but she gets just as excited as Mommy to go look at the dolls, and ran around with her mouth wide open saying "Wow! Wooooow! Wow!") and the boys had gift cards for Build A Bear that were burning holes in their pockets. Parker had been sitting on his two since last Christmas as a matter of fact, so he was more than ready to cash in. (You laugh, but the boys are just as excited as Mommy to stuff fluffy bears with plush hearts and love.) 

I sort of love that my littles are into some of the same things Mommy is into. 

Bash really wanted a Storm Trooper bear. A Storm Trooper bear with a blue light saber to be exact. Of course, the Storm Trooper bears were the only ones they were sold out of up in Denver. While he tried to make another decision, bravely looking over Darth Vader bears as a second choice, Daddy made a phone call to the mall down in Colorado Springs to find out that they had "more than enough" Storm Trooper bears to go around. Of course they did. Back we trecked to The Springs, which was in our direction anyways, and Bash very quickly selected the very first Storm Trooper bear he saw. It's darn cute too.

Not so, Parker. Much like a little girl long ago, and a grown woman most days now come to think of it, he agonized over his decision. First there were four possibilities, the three, then four again, down to two, back to four...The two women who worked there started turning off lights and tapping their toes even though we still had a half an hour before they were supposed to close. I glared right back at them and hovered about as he went back and forth and back again. It was quite an ordeal, and it took all of our half hour, but he made a choice. It's pretty freaking awesome too!

Look at that! I just made it with two minutes to spare! Two days and two entries! I'm on a roll! 

Hello Thirty! I'm ready.

"Hello Thirty! I'm ready." I confidently typed these four words into my status box on Facebook at exactly 12:00 am on December 29th and posted it with a nod of my head. It was here. The day I'd been dreading counting down to for quite awhile. And I really did feel ready when I posted it. My confidence was only increased by the fact that I neither sprouted 40 gray hairs spontaneously nor combusted in the first few minutes of being thirty, both of which I had considered a possibility.

You see, I was eight when my mother turned thirty. I remember that she spent the day crying and bemoaning her advanced age, and I decided that thirty must certainly be when your life ended! I've held on to that irrational fear my entire life, and it just increased the closer I got to thirty. Now it was here, staring me in the face, and I didn't want to leave the same impression on my children that had been left on me. (I love you, Mom, but you scarred me about this whole thirty thing. ;) ) I decided that thirty was going to be wonderful. After all, the amazing Kate Winslet had inspired me with the grace that she had approached thirty several years ago. I remembered pouring over magazine interviews as her Big Birthday had approached, and she made it seem like an exciting new chapter instead of impending doom. I figured I could do that too, though probably not with as much awesomeness as Ms. Winslet usually possesses. (Not many people have that much awesomeness you know.) So I really did mean it when I typed that I was ready. Besides, it was coming, no matter if I was ready or wasn't.

This is the very last picture of me in my 20s, taken about 5 minutes before midnight. I didn't edit it at all, so please excuse my jammies and lack of make up. :) 

The next morning I had another moment of panic, staring at my thirty year old self in the mirror, momentarily sure that I could see the beginning of wrinkles and age spots that had not been there the night before. Then I gave myself a harsh mental shake, slapped on some kick ass red lipstick, and strode boldly out to take Thirty by the horns and show it exactly how much I could rock it. If I have to be Thirty, I'm going to own it!

And what better way to start my new decade than a day with some of my favorite people in the world?! Several years ago, I'd decided that I wanted to have a Build a Bear birthday party to celebrate entering a new decade. It seemed appropriate when I'd had the idea, and we decided to stick to the plan. Michael, Parker, Sebastian, and Alex made up my birthday party, and I couldn't have asked for a better group to celebrate with! Alex had never been before, and I think she had just as much fun as the rest of us. (And Michael, who truly hates the place, managed to avoid any comments about how he could feel his skin burning as we walked in. That is a huge step for him!)

Bears (and mouse) were selected and ready to stuff. Apparently, everyone else had the exact same idea that day, so we had to wait in a long line that stretched into the main part of the mall.

For anyone who hasn't been there before, they have an entire "stuffing" ceremony where you rub your furry friend's new heart on your muscles so they can be strong, your head so they can me smart, your cheek so they can be as cute as you are, etc. Then you put it on your nose and make a wish before placing the new heart inside your new fluffy friend. Then you give them a bath, clothes, and a name, and get a birth certificate in return.

We all played along with enthusiasm, and Michael followed us around taking pictures and trying to look cheerful to be there. :)

 You even get to step on the peddle that fills your animal with stuffing from the stuffing machine. Sebastian tried, but needed a little help from Big Brother.

Alex's turn to stuff her bear, Burt, and then check it's "fluffyness" before he got stitched up and washed.

 Parker's outfit choice should have been fairly predictable. :)

 Alex and her Bear in Uniform!

Parker, Ohio State the Bear, Mommy, Milo the Mouse, Burt the Bear, Alex, Sebastian, and Bear/Banana the Bear

After Build a Bear, we went to Half Price Books, because no birthday could be complete without a visit to the bookstore! We also went to Bell Book and Comic (if you live in the Dayton area and happen to be a nerd/geek you should check it out) where Michael bought me Firefly: The Board Game! (Firefly is a post of its own, but it's an awesome gift, I assure you!) Then we were off to Mom's house for cake.

The day before my birthday Michael and I went up to visit his mother, leaving the boys with Grandmama, Grandpapa, and Alex. They decided to make and decorate a cake for Mommy's birthday, and I have to say that I think it was beautiful! I don't know many other 4 and 2 year olds who could ice a cake so beautifully.

In case you were wondering, yes, there were 30 candles on my cake, and yes, I blew them all out. 

We hit up another book store, because no birthday would be complete without books, stopped in to visit with my siblings, SIL, and niece, and then decided on BDubs for dinner. It was a fabulous idea. The food was delicious. The company was better!

 Helllooooo Thirty!

 Notice Parker's photo bomb?

My big guy is always up for some silly faces!

My little ham.

Bear, who was left at Hootie's house on Christmas Eve, was finally reunited with the family while we visited with Mom on my birthday. Everyone was happy to have him back. (And he hasn't left Sebastian's side since their reunion, which would have been complete with some Chariots of Fire music and confetti.)

We might have duck faced. Don't judge. We were making silly faces, and it doesn't get much sillier than a duck face. ;)

We got home late and still didn't go to bed! This much party can't be contained in just a few hours. It can't even be contained in a single day. (Michael will be taking me out on a grown-up birthday date later in the week. I might even find a little black dress to wear. I've never had a little black dress.) It was an amazing day, and a wonderful way to start this new chapter of my life. My 20s are over and behind me. Some amazing things happened in my 20s, and sometime soon I will sit down and look through The Great Big Book of Twenties, laughing and crying over the memories. But this day was about my thirties! How they are here, and I survived the first day, and I plan on rocking Thirty! Truly, I am going to own this year. It is going to be the best year ever. Believe that!

My other was scared to death that I was going to catch my hair on fire. That would have made for quite a picture!