New Year, New Resolutions

It's that time again! That magical time of year when everyone makes resolutions about how they are going to be better in the year to come. Everyone jumps in with both feet, heart brimming with the best of intentions, but, if you are like me, they often find, come year's end, that they have fallen short. Again.

Last year's resolutions seemed attainable to me when I wrote them. Some of them were achieved, some of them weren't. Some of them, whether I achieved them or not in 2013, are on the list again this year. This year I wanted to be even more realistic in hopes that I could achieve my goals.

• Back up my pictures once a month every two weeks.
• Tucked away safely in a drawer in my desk is a hard drive. An external hard drive that had been our back-up, and which fell to the floor exactly two days after my laptop crashed in January 2012, which was before I'd had a chance to back-up my back-up. On that hard drive are the first 6 months of Sebastian's life, none of which had been put on disk yet due to the exhaustion of a new baby, the excitement of Michael coming home from Afghanistan, and medical issues of my own caused by my gallbladder and pancreas. One day I will save up the money needed to send that precious hard drive away to (hopefully) be fixed by a man (or woman) in a white lab far away. Until then, it will be safely packed away and I will be anal about backing up my pictures. I take so many a month though that I really need to do it at least every two weeks or it takes several hours.
• Blog more.
• This was on my list last year too, and I don't think I can say I achieved it. I had more going on this year, but did less blogging about it. I really enjoy blogging. It's a wonderful outlet, and I love having my blog as a way to keep family up to date on our going ons. (It's more fun than e-mails.) It's only the second. I will blog more this year. I would like it to be at least three times a week, but giving myself a specific number like that is like setting myself up for failure, so I will just say that I want to blog more, and I will see if I can do that.  
• Write more.
• Once again, not just blogging, but writing. I did NaNoWriMo again in 2013, but I don't just want to write one month out of twelve. I have always been a writer, and I need to take time for me to do it. I can't get anything published if I'm not writing it. Stories do no good if they are stuck living forever in my head.
• Keep getting healthy.
• Yet another resolution making an appearance from last year's (and many other year's) list. 2014 will be the year I continue to get healthy in. I started running last year, and can now do more than I ever would have thought, though not as much as I'd like. I lost some weight in 2013, and hope to lose more, though I am trying to concentrate more on the health than the number on the scale. I know I can do it. It's important for me, and it's important for my family. I made a good start of it in 2013, and I'm not going to stop now.
• 2014 Jar of Greatness
• Sometimes days and weeks and months can go by so quickly, and can be so overwhelming, that you forget the little pieces of normal that happen in your every day life. I want to keep better track of those little moments. I'm going to get a huge mason jar this year and keep it on a shelf in the living room. Every time something wonderful, sweet, funny, or special happens, no matter how big or small the moment is, I am going to write it down on a piece of paper and put it away safely in the jar. Then, on the last day of 2014, we will open it up and read through the moments of greatness, reliving the amazing memories from 2014. I like the idea and hope to make a family tradition of it that will last for many years to come!
• Make a Colorado Bucket List.
• We're leaving Idaho this year. After six years in Idaho, there are still things that I'd wanted to do that we never got to, and I don't want to have the same regrets when it comes time to leave Colorado. So Michael, the boys, and I are going to sit down together as a family and make a Colorado Bucket List: The things we want to be sure we do while living in the "Centennial State". (What a lame state name.) 
• Get all my pictures hung in the new house. 
• This seems like a really small thing, but it's not! I have this stack of pictures that I want to have hung up in different parts of the house that never made it to the walls in our Idaho house. Before long I will be taking the pictures that did make it up off the walls, preparing for our big move. When we get to Colorado, I want the new house to feel like home as quickly as possible, because that is certainly the feeling we will be leaving behind in our home in Idaho. I think having pictures, all the pictures, up will help with that. It could very well take way, way too long for me to get that done, but I am hoping that this resolution will help me get our pictures up withing a month or two! :)
• Family game night/movie nights at least twice a month.
• We already have movie nights fairly often, but I think it will be easy for them to get lost in the hustle and bustle of moving several states and trying to get settled into a new home. I want to make sure that we don't lose sight of that in all the changes that are coming up. Also, this gives me an excuse to buy more new board games. I dream of one day having a closet just full of board games to choose from! Maybe I should add buying a new board game once a month to my list of resolutions...
• Have an "unplugged" day once a month.
• I first read the idea on Kelle Hampton's blog, Enjoying the Small Things. (If you haven't, read it! It's my favorite blog out there!) Way back in 2011 Kelle did an Unplugged Day during a blog series she did sponsored by Hallmark. I love the idea, and have decided that I am going to have an Unplugged Day once a month. Last year I resolved to spend less time on the internet. I can say that I failed miserably, but I think that doing a 100% unplugged day twelve times this year might be a resolution I can stick with. We'll see. ;) 
• Finish my first novel.
• Back in 2012 I participated in NaNoWriMo for the first time. Not only did I participate, but I finished my word goal for the year, writing over 50,000 words towards my first novel. Even though I exceeded my 50,000 word goal, my novel was left unfinished. I would like to finish it, at least the original draft, this year. Hopefully before I start NaNoWriMo again in November. 
• Send pictures every day at least three times a week to all family.
• I used to be very, very good at sending regular e-mails filled with pictures to all of our distant family. During Parker's first year of life I sent several e-mails a day. It's something I have been slacking at lately, and I know that our family, particularly members of our family who have never actually had the chance to meet the boys in person yet, appreciate more frequent updates. I'm going to make the time to send pictures out at least three times a week this year.
• Send hard copies of pictures to our family every two months.
• The same family members who enjoy regular emails also enjoy having hard copies of those pictures to hang or carry around. We even have some family members who don't have email at all (Yes, those people still exist.), so the only pictures they get of the boys are photographs I send via post. I really, really need to get better at sending those out, so I'm setting a goal to send those out at least every two months. 
• Run my first 5K.
• I started running this past year, and planned on running my first 5K back in August. I was unable to participate in that 5K, but I want to run at least one in the next twelve months. I'm a littler nervous about running in Colorado Springs, several people have warned me about the difference that the change of elevation will make, but I am going to run a 5K in 2014!
• Eliminate the Negativity.
• I don't want it. I don't need it. I'm cutting it all out in 2014!
• Have a baby?
• It was on my list last year, not so much as a resolution, but it was a huge goal/dream of mine in 2013. Since I was a very little girl I have always known that I would have a baby in 2013. Well, I was wrong. It was a long year of trying, hoping, praying, brainstorming with my RE, and trying strange, mystical potions that I found in an ancient book deep within the candle lit back room of our local second hand book store. (I am kidding about that last part...maybe...) Unfortunately, it was not our year. I very happily helped several friends and my own brother welcome new littles this past year, and I am hoping and praying that 2014 will bring us another little of our own. 

Wow, that's quite a list this year! I know it's only the second, but I feel like we're off to a good start. I told Michael that I feel really positive about 2014. This is going to be our year! Big things are happening in the Gordon family this year, and we are going to rock this year! Michael always gives me these pleasant smiles and nods, though I am pretty sure that he thinks I'm just a little crazy when I get these big ideas and talk like I'm ready to take over the world. That's okay. Maybe I am. But I have a good feeling about this year. 2014 is going to be a good one.

What are some resolutions/goals you have for the upcoming years?

Resolutions

Well, the New Year has come and gone...and once again I have been absent for far too long. Silly life keeps getting in the way, and then when I have time to blog about it I am too darn tired.  

Still, before January completely passes us by, I wanted to get my New Years Resolutions out there for all to see. It helps me as he year goes on to be able to come back and look at them. That way I can see where I am excelling and where I need to put a little more work in. So, here they are! Holly's New Years Resolutions: 2013!

• Blog More.
• Since it is January 30th and this is the first blog of the year, I guess you can see how successful that has been. :0) I really do want to blog more. It is something I enjoy. I can't tell you how many times I find myself composing a blog in my head that I just never find the time to get down. (I've been "writing" this one for about 4 weeks.) It relaxes me, allows me to vent, gives me a creative outlet...It is important for me to take the time to do things that I enjoy just for me, and blogging is one of those things. So I want to do it more in 2013, including starting up my Pin A Week again, which is another way for me to stretch my creativity throughout the year. There are so many excuses not to, but my excuse to do it is me. And that needs to start being important too. Which brings me to...
• Learning To Love Myself More
• I have spent years hating the person looking back at me when I stand in front of the mirror. She isn't pretty enough. She isn't skinny enough. She has too much of a temper. She isn't a good enough mother. She isn't a good enough daughter, sister, granddaughter, wife...I see every little fault she has without looking at the things that are good about that woman in my mirror. The way I feel about myself has resulted in putting her last a lot, and I need to stop doing that. Maybe she and I could get along a bit more if I took the time to make her a priority just every once in awhile. Like taking the time to blog, or take some pictures, or writing out those stories that are floating around in my head. I need to start coming to terms with her, because I'm stuck with her for the rest of my life.
• Write More
• Not just my blogs. I need to write more. I participated in NaNoWriMo this past November and loved it! I didn't finish my novel, but I wrote over 50,000 words in one month! And I loved how it felt! I have always loved writing. Always wanted to be a published author, and that can't happen if all I do is lay around dreaming about it. I have to do it. And I will!
• Get Healthy
• So many years everyone, including myself, makes some resolution that sounds similar to "I will lose 50lbs by this Summer!". This just sets a person up for failure, because when you don't reach your goal you end up feeling bad about yourself and thinking you failed. There is no perfect number. People are so hung up on weight that they don't realize someone who weighs 110lbs can be just as unhealthy as someone who weighs 260lbs. It's not about the number on the scale, but about being healthy. I need to stop looking at that number and letting it make or break me. Of course I want to lose weight, but it is more important that I am healthy. For my sake, for the sake of the people who love me, my sons, my husband...I need to be healthy. And this is the year for it. I am kissing 30 at this point. If I'm going to do it now is the time!
• Read More
• I think that one kind of speaks for its self. There are a ton of books out there I have never tackled that I want to. Like writing, it is something I enjoy that relaxes me and I need to do more of it.
• Less Internet
• Everyone needs to spend a little less time on the interwebs these days. Myself included. There need to be days where a person just doesn't even turn on their computer or look at their phone. I need more of those days.
• Live More In The Moment
• Like many people, I worry about the future. I worry where the military is going to send us next, how my husband's career is progressing, what my children are growing into, if God will bless us with another, what I am missing back home, that I am missing out on moments that I can never get back with people I love...And that worry weighs on me like it would anyone. It causes me to snap and be irritable with my children and husband, to frown more than I smile some days, and to miss out on the beautiful moments taking place right in front of me. And I don't like that. I understand that I do need to be conscience of where we are headed, but not so much that I am missing out on what I have right now. I need to grasp onto these moments, because they are going by so fast.
• De-Clutter
• We really have too much stuff. It's time to go through and de-clutter. Keep what is really important, but say goodbye to the rest of it. It will help me to feel less stressed I think, and it will help me to simplify, which I think will be good for the whole family. I have a cleaning schedule in the house, now I just need to add a de-cluttering schedule to that and I'll be good. 
• Sing more.
• The word needs more music!
• Work on my relationship with God. 
• It's a resolution every year, and every year I feel myself drawing closer to Him. It's a good feeling, so I want to keep it going.
• Have another baby.
• Not so much a resolution, but a goal for sure for the Gordon Family in 2013. Parker has requested a girl. I think Daddy has too, and I am pretty sure Sebastian won't care. We shall see what happens.

Fighting A Losing Battle

And no, I'm not talking about keeping up with my blog, though that seems to be a losing battle too. How is it possible that it's been almost two months since I've updated, and that I still have a ton of old posts that I need to post, especially from my Pin A Week projects? (Which I did do, I just haven't had time to post!) *sigh* I need to start making time for myself to blog at least once a week. I would like to do it more. I always seem to put making me time on a list, but it usually falls somewhere near the bottom and so gets overlooked. I promise I am going to do better. For the love of goodness, I need to blog. It relaxes me.

I digress. The losing battle I am talking about tonight is the Santa Battle, though I am trying hard to keep the good fight going on our side. You see, we are those parents. The ones who decided years ago, when our oldest son was still growing in my tummy, that we were not going to do Santa the "traditional" way. We always wanted our children to know and be thankful for where their presents came from. To appreciate the thought and effort that went into the gifts sent by grandparents, uncles, aunts, great-grandparents and what their Daddy and I picked out for them. We didn't want them thinking that some mythical fat elf was bringing them toys from the North Pole based on their level of good behavior that year.

We also wanted them to understand the true reason behind the season. Not only about the birth of our Lord and Savior, though that is certainly the most important part of it, but the spirit of giving and love and the joy and blessing it is to do for others instead of just for yourself. So, in addition to teaching them about the birth of Jesus and the religious aspects of the holiday, we also have told our oldest about St. Nicholas. The real St. Nicholas and how the stories of his generosity and good will, especially towards children, have shaped and morphed into the beautiful story that is Santa Clause today. We have explained to him how it is fun to pretend, and it makes parts of the season seem more magical. We have also explained to him that many children truly, truly believe, and that it is important that we don't take that magic away from him. He is very good about keeping our "special secret" and goes right along when any of his little friends talk about Santa, usually giving me a big grin from across the room like we are sharing our own secret, which makes it more magical to me in a way.

As he has gotten older, it has become a harder tight rope to walk. You see, Santa is so ingrained in everything Christmas, that it is almost impossible for children not to hear of him. It was never our intention to completely eliminate Santa from the Christmas traditions we enjoy as a family anyways. The boys have always had their picture taken with Santa, though we have always explained that it was a person who enjoyed dressing up and pretending to be Santa, just like he likes to dress up and pretend to be a firefighter, Spider Man, or Darth Vader. We read a new copy of The Night Before Christmas every Christmas Eve, which of course is entirely about Santa Clause, but we also read the story of the first Christmas and the birth of Jesus and talk about it with him at length as the season unfolds around us. It's a balancing act that, until very recently, has been working very well. 

It still isn't so much that it isn't working, but that there are certain traditions that I find I would love to share and that I think they, especially our oldest, would really enjoy, but that make me worry that we'll somehow be sending him mixed signals. For example, the Elf On The Shelf that several of my friends have been doing with their littles for years. Taking away the fact that I think the little Elf looks just a little creepy, I think that there is the potential to have a lot of fun with it. I know that it would delight Parker to wake up every morning and search the house for what mischief our Elf had been in the night before. But isn't that going directly against our wish that he not think some fat, jolly elf is watching him and judging his behavior to decide how many presents he deserves? If we don't do stuff like that, will they be missing out on important parts of their childhood? 

It's been an issue that, early as we are into the season, has already given me much pause this year. I have started to realize recently that my worry that he might lose sight of what is really important might be making it harder for me just to sit back and enjoy the magic of his imagination. I don't want to brag, but I have a pretty bright kid, and I think I have been severely underestimating his intelligence in this aspect of our lives. When he dresses up as Darth Vader, part of him very much believes that he is Darth Vader, but he also knows deep down that he isn't. I think the same can be said about these kinds of things. Does he know that Santa isn't eating the cookies and milk we leave out? Yes, he does. But it's also fun to pretend. Will he believe that a little toy elf is really dancing around the house at night while we sleep causing mischief? Probably not, but I think he'll have a fun time pretending he is. We balance precariously on the thin line between not wanting to take away the magic but still wanting him to keep a firm handle on what is truly important about the season, and I don't think the whole thing is as complicated as I have been making it out in my head. He doesn't have to truly believe that these things are 100% real to have fun pretending, and I don't have to compromise our desires as parents in order to give him (and his brother and our future children) traditions and memories that he will hold with him for years to come. 

I personally remember setting out milk and cookies (and carrots for the reindeer) well into my teens, far past the time I believed, but because doing it still kept some of that magic alive that we all need so much of in our lives. (I also remember my brother being teased sometime in first grade because he did truly believe, and I had to be the one that sat him down and told him the horrible truth...which might be why I am so conflicted in this particular subject in the first place.) 

So, we will continue to go see Santa at the mall, to put out cookies and milk, and to read The Night Before Christmas as we snuggle together in our brand new jammies on Christmas Eve night. We will also continue to talk to the boys about Jesus and his love for us and the joyous occasion of his birth, and about the real St. Nicholas and how he taught about being generous of heart. The boys will not have gifts under the tree from Santa, but rather from the people in their lives who love and care from them most. We will also start a new tradition this year. Creepy little face aside, Michael and I stopped by the book store tonight on our date night to pick out our own little Elf On The Shelf. He came home with us and is currently awaiting his naming, which will probably happen tomorrow. (I might have another battle on my hands entirely in order to keep him from being named Darth or Castle Crasher, but that's another story.)

Yes, I find him creepy (Though I wish my sister, who is terrified of dolls, was here right now. I would have so much fun with that!), but the point is that I think the boys will get a kick out of him. (And I am having a lot of fun planing out his month of mischief, I have to admit.) He isn't so much going to be reporting to Santa as he is going to be helping us get the house read for Christmas and our celebration of Jesus's birth. It's all about balance, and why I am sure that I've put way too much thought into this, at least no one can accuse me of doing anything on a whim.

This could be a fun blog series. The Adventures of ________ the Elf. Hmmmm. There is potential there.

 

Homecomings

Well, here we are again. The end of another deployment. This has been the hardest of our three, hands down. I've been ready for it to be over since before it started, and I am thrilled that it is finally time for me to be writing this! I am not entirely sure why this one was harder. Everyone keeps saying that it is because I have two little ones now, but I am 100% sure that isn't it. The boys kept me sane this deployment. I think part of it was having two so very close together! Two deployments in an 18 month period is no joke. Part of it was also probably knowing that I could have very easily been home, but stayed because I was too worried about what people would say. My mistake. Won't make that again, you can be sure. 

I'm not going to dwell on it though. Because it is over and my baby is coming home!!!

On the outside looking in, homecomings would seem like they are nothing but joyous occasions. Please don't get me wrong, they are. Absolutely. But I have talked to enough wives to know that I am not alone in having a certain amount of anxiety at the thought of the approaching reunion. I never would have believed it before experiencing it myself. After all, military homecomings are the things of an amazing TV special. Banners and cheering and relief and tears...and they really are all those things too! More emotion than I can sum up in simple words. I swear to you, I can actually feel my heart swell with pride when I watch that plane coming in for its landing. It starts beating a patriotic beat as I watch the plane taxi around and finally come to a stop, so close yet still so far away. It takes much longer than it ever should between the time that plane stops and the time the doors open, but in that time my heartbeat never comes back down to a normal patter and it reaches an unbelievable level of joy that erupts when the doors open and men and women in uniform start filing out to reunite with their loved ones. It doesn't seem possible that a person could actually live through those levels of excitement and suspense, but you somehow do, and then join everyone else as they search for their special people in that sea of smiling faces and excitement so thick you can actually taste it!

Sometimes you find them quite quickly, and sometimes it takes a little longer, but eventually your eyes will meet through a forest of camo and welcome home signs. And, for me at least, that is when the shyness kicks in. Yes, I have known him for years, more than I wish to share here, because it makes me feel old, but we have also both grown and changed over the many months he was gone. At the core, we are those people who said goodbye many moons ago, but some things have changed, and getting to know those parts of my husband are what makes me shy.

Still, there is something electric about your eyes meeting for the first time. They hold yours for a fleeting moment (though so much passes between you in that moment that it would take several blogs, and probably books, to express it) before they look away, searching for the little beings they missed most in all that time they were away. What, you thought it was you they most wanted to see? No. They missed you, they want to hold you again, but there is an even more pressing issue on their minds. A body they long to hold more than even yours...and it's OK, because you would feel the same way if you had missed out on half of your child's life too.

If they have any fears about homecomings, it is for these moments. A fear that is deep and dark and shared by so many of our men and women in uniform when they arrive stateside once more...What if their children don't know them? What if they are scared? What if they don't want anything to do with them? So, they approach with caution, even though you can see the excitement and joy radiating off their faces as they take in every part of the children they left behind. They crouch down, sometimes several feet away, waiting to be approached by cautious little ones, even though you can see their longing to scoop up that little body and shower it with all the kisses they couldn't give in those months away. They talk and smile encouragement, sometimes with offerings of stuffed animals or toys picked up at some airport gift shop for way too much money, until their child comes up to them again and reaches out, and then the most amazing moment of homecomings gets to happen. Nothing, nothing at all can describe the reunion of child and parent. It is cautious and sweet and pure and filled with more joy than most moments can hold on their own. They fit into their parents arms, in that special spot meant just for them, and you can literally see months of tension, fear, stress, and war melt away into the sky as their parent folds around them in a perfect fit, often burying their face in their hair or neck to hide tears or to breath them in or both. It is pure beauty.

And then, finally, it is the spouses turn. And, as shy as I am, as strange as it is to feel those arms around me again, it is also safe and familiar and perfect. I can always smell a mixture of strange lands that I will never see, and the scent that is 100% unique to him. I love that. Is it odd to feel grown up arms again? To hold onto someone taller and stronger than me? Yes. Do I know that we have some adjustment ahead of us as we all redefine our rolls as a family? Of course...but for a moment none of that matters at all. Because he is home. 

Happy occasions? Joyous occasions? Oh, homecomings are so much more than that. But they are also hard and, for me, bittersweet.

It is hard to know that while I hold onto my husband, preparing myself for the next several weeks of getting to know one another under the same roof again, as hard as that might be sometimes, there is another husband or wife out there somewhere who would give everything they own for that chance. That there is an urn on their mantle or a folded flag in their holiday pictures where Daddy or Mommy should be. It's hard to accept that those men and women made that sacrifice for all of us back here in the States. Many of them made that sacrifice so that their brothers and sisters in uniform could go home in their stead. I don't know how to say thank you for something like that. And it is impossible to comprehend that my own husband might be asked to make that sacrifice one day. If any of us thought like that on a regular basis, I don't think we could get by.

This time, however, he is home safe. This time, God returned him to me whole. So I concentrate on that, and add it to the list of things I whisper my thanks for as I hold him that first time after he gets off the plane. He is home, and we are a family again.  

Thank you, Lord. Thank you for giving me the strength to get through this once again. Thank you for giving my my sons, without whom I could never get through a day. Thank you for delivering him home to my arms again. Keep us together, safe, and whole for as long as you can, please Lord. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Amen. 

Is That God?

I had one of the best conversations I've ever had with my big guy today. It at least made it into the top 5. I would like to take a moment to say, yet again, what a blessing my oldest is. Every day he makes me look at the world in a new and different way...and today was no exception.

We were in line at the BX with a friend of ours. Now, growing up on a military base, it is rare that Parker ever even sees a man with facial hair, much less hair longer than a quarter inch or so on their head. Of course, we get husbands, children and other dependents that live on base and work places, including the BX. The man checking us out had very long hair, longer than mine, though well kept and shiny. Parker studied him for a moment, then turned to me with a very serious expression on his face. Sure that he was about to ask me, in a very loud voice, if he was a man or a woman, I was ill prepared for what he asked instead. Serious and almost in awe, he goes:

"Mommy, is that GOD?!"

I feel terrible, because I burst out laughing. Parker was looking at me like I was slightly crazy, and still waiting for an answer. I started to say no, of course not, but then I realized who knows? Maybe God likes to come down and mingle with us poor wives at the BX check out line. Probably not, but I couldn't give him a certain no either. Instead I responded with an "I don't know, but I don't THINK so." That seemed the safest answer. Don't want to offend God after all.

My "baby" will be 3 in 15 minutes. *sniff*

Scripture Sunday: Romans 12:9-21

I am going to try, every week, to share some scripture that has meaning towards the week I had or the week I want to have. 

If you are not Christian or not religious I hope that you will not be offended. This is for me and something that means something to me. I am not ashamed of my Christianity, nor will I hide it in hopes of keeping friends or followers. 

That being said, this weeks scripture comes from Romans, chapter 12:9-21.