Monday, August 13, 2012

Deep Thoughts

OK, maybe not so deep, but my blog was in desperate need of an update. Not just a post with some new craft I've done or some three line update...a real update. So, here it goes...

First off, I promise I'm still doing my Pin A Week, I just haven't had the time to edit and post my pictures the last several weeks. So, the next time I do post, there will probably be three or four little projects in one post. Yippy!

Also, despite the fact that I only posted 6 weeks of updates, I did continue on with and finish the whole P90X program! There wasn't a whole lot new to post every week except that I kept on keeping on, and I had family visiting for several weeks this Summer, which made my time to blog about working out less. However, I finished the entire 90 days, and I am very proud of myself for that. First, the positive. I could feel myself getting stronger. There were things I could do at the end of the 90 days that I never thought I would do when I started. I was so happy to see those kinds of changes in myself. On the negative side, I only lost about 6lbs the whole 90 days. Really? REALLY? I could lose more just not eating for a week. (I know, I know, not a healthy way to do it, but seriously?) I would by lying if I didn't say that I was heartbroken. I wanted so very much for hubby to come home from this deployment and be shocked at this drastic change in my appearance. Instead, I just felt like I let us both down. Like there was something I could have done more or harder or...who knows. I just feel terrible. 

However, I took a break for a couple of weeks, and I am now two weeks into P90X: Round Two. I know that I have issues most other people don't fighting my weight loss, and even if I'm not losing weight, I can feel the difference in myself. That has to count for something. (I am also hoping that once I am back on my medication for my tumor that the weight will start coming off a little faster. It should balance my hormones out a bit.)

Which brings me to this deployment. I have often said I should write more during deployments. After all, it is probably one of the times in my life I most need an outlet, and that is one of the reasons I started this blog, right? I don't mind sharing that one of the reasons I haven't posted more about this deployment is that I am not very proud how I have been handling it. I've been a complete and total wimp about it, to be honest, and I certainly don't want to create post after post with me bitching. Maybe that is what I need, who knows, but I do know that this deployment is by far the hardest for me so far.

Everyone I have tried to talk to about it attributes the difficulties this time around to the fact that I have two little ones now instead of one. I have tried to explain that this isn't it. If anything, having my two little men is keeping me functional this time around. I have to get out of bed. I have to put on a happy face. I have to keep functioning, because it's not just about me right now. Things have to stay as normal as they can for those little boys. Because, even if people sneer and make comments like "You chose this life, why are you whining now?", my son's didn't choose this. It is a life we chose for them, and they have to have everything I can give them to help them get through this. I have nothing but adoration for how Parker handles it too. He is so proud of his Daddy, telling anyone he can that his Daddy is a "good guy" and helps "keep me safe". My three year old is my hero, because he gives his Daddy freely without begrudging the sacrifice at all, knowing that sometimes there are people who need Daddy a little more than he does. 

Not me. I am angry about this deployment. I am bitter about this deployment. I am miserable about this deployment. It wasn't his turn, damn it! And I can't seem to get over that. We've experienced three deployments in under three years, and the other two I have actually been a little proud of myself. I miss him, and I am sad, but I find a routine. I find a place for everything, including that sadness, and once I get into the swing of things I can go days, weeks even, without shedding a tear. I still miss him, but it doesn't eat away at my insides and cause almost daily little breakdowns either. Hell, I gave birth last time with him 8,000 miles away on a phone, and that was still easier than this deployment has been. 

I think part of it was how unexpected this one was. It wasn't his rotation, so there was no prior expectation of him going. Yes, they can go at any time when needed (obviously), but there were more than enough people in his shop who were up to go. People who have never been before. People who should have been shipping out instead of him. And then one thing after another happened, all of them against our favor, and the next thing I know I am kissing him goodbye again just six months after joyfully kissing him hello and handing him his month old son for the first time. I feel like I'd been hit by a truck. Completely blindsided. 

I had made the decision not to go home this deployment. I wish I could say I didn't know why, but I do. I was worried what people would say about me if I left. I was worried they would say "Oh, she can't hack it." or "She needs to get used to this deployment thing." or a number of other nasty, gossip-like comments that military wives like to throw around because they have nothing better to do than sit and judge people. Why did I care, you ask? Good question. After all, I've done a deployment alone here in Idaho, so I've already earned that "badge of honor". I've also done a deployment back home, and the benefits were not mine alone. It was so wonderful getting to watch Parker as he got to know his family. Really know them, and not just from pictures and stories I told him. This time though...I could try to say it would have been the stress of taking three animals and two children cross country, I could try to say that it was because I don't know who would have watched the house and taken care of the lawn while I was gone, I could try to say a lot of things, and all of them would be true. In the end, though, I am ashamed to say I was too worried about what people would think and what people would say, and because of it I robbed my sons and my family of the chance for another amazing Summer together. Most of these people I don't even like, so why the Hell did I let them make a major life decision like this for me? Because I am an idiot. My grandfather was in the hospital this Summer, and I was here instead of there because I was so worried what people would think of me. Stupid, stupid Holly. 

I have learned something though. I will never make this mistake again. Next deployment, I am going home. These are times I can't give back to anyone, but I won't make the same mistake again. 

All that being said, this deployment hasn't been all bad. I have made some friends, people I knew before, but now we are really friends, and that is great. Friends are not something that fall in my lap easily, so the few friendships I do have are rare and special. My mother and sister got to come out and visit for five whole weeks, and that was fun too. And of course, there are the boys. Always my boys. Always keeping me headed in the right direction.

Well, maybe these thoughts did end up deeper than I had thought they would. I will be back. I will write more, I promise. I obviously need it.

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1 comment:

elizabeth said...

Thanks for the deep thoughts Holly! About the P90X and low weight loss - you are probably building muscle, that's why you feel stronger, but muscle weighs more than fat remember! I'm feeling the same way about my Zumba. I feel better and stronger, but the weight's not dropping yet - I did get to buckle my belt one notch tighter this week though! You can make it through this deployment, and your reunion should be sweeter after these hardships! Wishing you and your sweet boys some great days until your airman comes home <3