So, maybe there is too much TV in our house. It's always on. It's not so much that we sit around watching it, but the last time Michael was deployed I get very used to having it on in the background so the house didn't seem so quiet, and so we do that often now when we are sitting around playing or coloring or whatever it is we have decided to do that day.I find I need the background noise.
Something we do watch on occasion though is The Price Is Right. I've loved that show since I was a very little girl, and Parker has a couple of games that really grab his attention when they come on, not to mention that he gets a kick out of them calling people's names and yelling "Come on down!" It makes me giggle when he yells it back and claps as whoever it is jumps and screams and makes a general fool of themselves "coming on down". (I have always sworn that if I was ever on the show I would be the person who calmly sauntered down the isle, shaking the occasional hand, before getting to my little price podium and politely greeting Drew.)
Well, today we were lounging around reading books and playing with trains while the TV provided our usual background noise. Parker has taken to "sharing" with the baby, running his trains over my belly or "showing" the my belly the pictures in his books. It's been a lot of fun to watch him grow as a big brother along with the girth of my stomach.
The baby had been wiggling around and I was gently poking my stomach in an attempt to get Legs to kick more. Along with my poking I was saying "Come on Baby! Come on Legs!" Parker, after watching me at that for a moment leaned over and poked too, adding his own little voice to the urging.
"Come on Baby! COME ON DOWN!!!"
I haven't laughed that hard for a long time! It isn't every day a unborn baby is told to "Come on down!". Might be the first time in history! It got me thinking though. Soon, very soon indeed, that will be exactly what is happening. I don't think Bubba knew what he was asking, but I certainly do. At least, I know what to expect in the "coming all down" part.
I am nervous about the birth. Not scared exactly, though I certainly was when it was getting closer to Parker's arrival, but nervous. This time I feel like I'm more educated. I feel like I am more empowered. I feel like I at least have a shot at having the birth I want. If not what I want, at least I have shot of feeling like I have some kind of say and won't just be laying there letting things be done to me...But I'm still nervous. I think it would be silly not to be. After all, it's going to hurt. Who isn't nervous about pain? I have high hopes for this labor and deliver though. I certainly can't have another like my last, and I am confident that I won't.
I am scared about afterwords though. I have the usual fears of a second time mother, or so I have been told. I have this little man in my life who has taken my heart and just ran away with it! I adore my son! We've spent a nice chunk of his life as just the two of us too, since Daddy has been gone a couple of times now. I am not saying that he doesn't have a bond with his daddy too, because he does. The relationship Parker and his Daddy have is an amazing one that I can't even begin to describe. I love getting to watch it grow and develop. But, Parker and I are very, very close. He's my Bubba.
I love this baby inside me too. Little Legs already has a special place in my heart. I am already a mother of two, despite not knowing the sex of this baby...but I can't imagine loving another child the way I love Parker. Of course, I couldn't imagine loving Parker the way I do before I had him either, so I am sure that things will just click this time as well. It will be like another puzzle piece has just fallen into place in our family. I have faith in this and am looking forward to it...but I also feel guilty.
Never again will it be just me and Bubba. He will be playing with something or reading with me and all of the sudden look at me with a big grin and say "You and me, Mama! It's you and me!" and I feel this horrible wave of guilt even as my heart swells with love! Not for long little man. Soon it will be you, me, and baby. What was I thinking? How could I have done this to him?! It's been just me and him for so many things, or just me, him, and Daddy...What was I thinking throwing another child into the mix?! Just because Michael and I wanted another baby? What about Parker?
Part of me knows how irrational this is. After all, people have second children all the time. (And third and fourth and so on) I have never heard of it horribly scarring any balanced and normal family or their children. There are fights and arguments over toys and cars and many, many things over the years, but I have yet to hear of a first child who became some kind of psychopathic killer and stated the reason as the fact that their parents had decided to have another child! Part of me knows that we will all benefit from Legs arriving. As my husband says, we are giving Parker a gift. We are giving him someone who will hopefully become one of his nearest and dearest friends in life.
I just hope he feels that way when he wants to read a book and Mommy is reading to the baby. Or when he wants to go to the pool and the baby is taking a nap...And I know he won't. I know he won't get it and that sometimes he'll hate the baby. Sometimes he'll be mad at me or his Daddy for bringing in this little intruder to disrupt his entire life. I equally know he'll get over it, but it still makes me sad.
I feel terrible for taking away his Mommy and Daddy. Not that we'll be anywhere, but we won't be his exclusively anymore. Heck, I'm not now. I haven't been able to pick him up in several months (though I still do sometimes...shhhh, don't tell), I have to tell him t be careful when he's snuggling up with me, I'm more tired than the mommy he is used to...And it's just going to get more hectic when the baby actually does "come on down".
I know it will all work out. I know that these fears will seem silly to me when Legs is here and we are a family together again. I am certainly not the first mother to feel this way, or even the first mother to blog about it...but for right now I'm still scared and anxious and feeling terribly guilty about this decision we have made.
I guess I had better get used to it. After all, like it or not, it won't be too long before we are saying "Come on down! Ready or not, you're next member of our family!"