One Step Forward, Two Back

Doctors appointment today. Usually those are not met with any kind of excitement, but I happen to enjoy my RE (Reproductive endocrinologist), Dr. Krueger. He's that doctor everyone should have. The one who listens to you. Really listens. Laughs with you. Dotes on your children and their obvious brilliance. The one who makes you feel like you are the only person he has to see that day, and that you are the center of his entire practice. 

I am not a doctor person. Dr. Krueger isn't just any doctor. He truly is an awesome man who (whether it's true or not) makes you feel as if he cares about you and your desire to self-populate the world, Dugger style. (Disclaimer: I in no way mean that as a bad thing. I absolutely adore the Dugger family. They are seriously one of my favorite families out there, and I've never even met them!) He also makes you feel like he understands your disappointment when he is sitting there with bad news.

Today he didn't have bad news, but it wasn't great either. Certainly not what I wanted to hear.

On the plus side, the base didn't lose my blood work this time. Dr. K had it in his hands when I walked in for my appointment. (I had called ahead to make sure they had it before I scheduled my appointment. Base labs have screwed up too many times for my liking.) After the news before Christmas that my prolactin levels were decreasing, apparently on their own, and were down in the double digits, I was expecting more good news today. I was disappointed.

My thyroid has apparently lost it's mind, or is going through some kind of midlife crisis, or something. Who knows what, but my levels have gone out of wack enough that Dr. K is almost doubling my prescription to try and get them back to where they need to be. Possibly because of my thyroid and possibly just to keep us guessing, my prolactin levels have jumped up again and are back into the triple digit range. Yay!!! (Dripping sarcasm there...Oh when will they invent the sarcasm font?!)

I suppose I knew that my levels wouldn't be where they should be yet. Despite diligent temping and excessive use of OPKs on my part, I have yet to detect ovulation, which most professionals agree is sort of essential to the fine art of baby making. However, I had secretly hoped that Dr. K would take a look at the paperwork, tell me that my levels were right on the brink of normal, that I should expect my cycles to return any day, and that he looked forward to my pregnancy announcement. Yes, I knew that wasn't likely, but I had hoped. Darn hope.

On a positive note, once my body decides to cooperate Dr. K says he has full confidence that I will manage another beautiful baby. He also is encouraged by my regular, horrible ovarian cramps, saying that it could be a sign that my body is trying to work the way it's supposed to. Like an engine trying to turn over. If not, it is something else we might have to check out, though I refuse to consider the chance that it could mean that yet another part of my reproductive system is faulty. I absolutely refuse to go there right now. No reason to borrow trouble. I think my Grandmama would be proud of me. :0)

So, now I have new medication and I will go back for another fun round of blood work and results in April. I'm trying not to think about how this is the last possible month I could conceive a 2013 baby. After all, my dates and plans have never worked out just right. I know God has a plan I just can't see clearly yet, and if we'd gone with my blueprints instead of His, I wouldn't have the two amazing little boys I have now. And I couldn't trade that for anything. Not ever. I might not get my 2013 baby, but I'll have the best little baby 2014 has to offer. :0)

It was the first time in a long time I'd left Dr. K's office feeling down, but I am willing to give myself 2 or 3 days of pouting before I pick myself up and go on to the next step. And hopefully the news in April will be nothing but positive.

Take a Moment to Breath

Well here we are again. Again it has been far too long. Again I have so much to catch up on. However, I'm going to take a moment hear to just breath. The last thing I want is for my blog to become a stressful thing. I want to come here to release stress. So I'm going to take a breath, let out an "Ohm", and realize that I can catch up on everything over several posts. It doesn't all have to be in this one. (Thank goodness, or it might turn into a small novelette.) 

Take a Moment and Breath needs to be my new motto in life, not just on the blog. I realized today that it is all going by way to fast. Despite being here every day, part of ever moment, I feel like I'm missing it. 

Maybe it isn't so much needing to take a moment to breath. Maybe it's more "Take a Breath and Enjoy the Moment You're IN" I am a stresser. I am a planner. Part of that is always having a wary eye (or two) on the future. Lately, I feel that I have been spending so much time looking ahead that I am forgetting to embrace the moments happening around me. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be that. Any mother can tell you that the little moments with your children go by far too quickly anyways...Even if you aren't wasting time looking (and worrying) forward.

Obviously you have to look forward for some things. You can't just skip through life with no thought to the future. Never wondering what the consequences of your present choices might be. Never planing for the future of your children or your family. That doesn't work either. But there has to be a balance. You have to take the time, while peeking through the misty window into your future, to stop and take in what is going on around you. Right here. Right this second.

There are a lot of different dishes piled up on out plates right now. There are some unusual "work things" going on with Michael that have us both on edge. Unimaginable trials are going on with family back home in Ohio, and months of prayers, tears, and lengthy conversations have wrung us dry and flung us aside feeling helpless and stressed. (And mad, betrayed, hopeless, alone...You get the idea.) Our usual homesickness has been further assaulted by the realization that Michael might not get to take the leave we were planing on this Summer so that we could go home. (Michael hasn't been home in almost 3 years, and I haven't seen the Buckeye State in 18 months now.) As usual, my own body and health seem to be working against me in every goal that I have for this year, including the possibility of extending our family. And just this week poor Michael ended up in the hospital with pancreatitis, which lets me know that the stress of the last several months has caught up with my usually absurdly healthy husband's body. (A fact that doesn't help easy my own worry or stress at all. Michael is the rock that our family builds it's foundation on. To see him falter in any way shape or form makes me feel like the world has gone all shaky.)

It would be easy, with everything going on, to lose site of the magical little moments happening around us every day. And I am guilty of that. Some days I feel 100% on the ball, and some days I feel like a lifetime has passed me by, and I have missed all of it. My baby, my baby, turned 18 months old this week. He is so brilliant. Such a smart boy, and I'm not saying that because he's mine. :) He really is a brilliant child. He reminds me so much of his brother, except he is not as verbal. He has no issues comprehending, but his needs and desires are usually met without much need to talk about it. A direct result of being the baby in a family with two enchanted parents and an adoring brother. Still, every day he is learning something new, or showing me something that I think is new but he's probably known how to do for months. :) He's just amazing, but I get little aches in my heart when I look at him and realize that my "baby" has morphed into a toddler and will be a brilliant young man before I can take another breath.

As Parker is. I remember him so vividly at Sebastian's age. And I don't know when it happened. I can't pinpoint the moment, and that makes me sad, but my first born is all little boy now. There is nothing left of the toddler that was just yesterday crawling into my lap for snuggles. Gone is the chub of his precious little baby cheeks. He is tall and lean and will talk to you in length about ninja turtles, trains, and favorite books. He wants to know who, what, where, when and why about everything. He is everyday teaching his brother something new, and he can navigate an iPod better than most adults I know. (They both can, truth be told. The other day Sebastian answered my phone and had a lengthy conversation with my mother before I even knew that he was talking to a real person. I thought he was pretending.) Parker has the most beautiful heart I have ever seen in a child, and again I am not just saying this because he is mine. He is truly a blessed, beautiful soul who loves life and whose goodness just radiates to those around him. Even when he is being a stubborn little boy that makes me want to pull my hair out. :)

I don't want to miss this. I can't miss this, because they are moments I can't get back. I have a feeling that they will just keep going by faster and faster too, and that scares the jeepers out of me! So I need to embrace my new motto. I need to remember to take a breath and enjoy the moment I am living right now. Yes, tomorrow might bring with it a whole new set of worries. Yes, my obsessive planning and re-planing might help us avoid x, y, or z in the distant future, but if I miss this, if I miss what is going on in my own back yard right now, then what is the point? If I spend my entire life planning the perfect future, I'll miss everything I've worried so much about anyways.

This isn't an intervention. I know full well that I won't wake up tomorrow with the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders, stretching luxuriously, every hair in place, as bluebirds alight on my window singing a blissful morning tune. I have been a worrier for over 29 years, and that isn't going to change now. But I am going to make a very strong effort to put the worry aside enough that I can still grasp onto these moments I am living now. I owe it to my family. I owe it to me.

And now, for some amazing moments I captured in the last week or so. I live for this!

This was so much fun, and has been requested several times. Parker can identify all of his capitol letters and about 65% of his lower case letters. He's still struggling with a few though (and lets be fair, "b" and "d" can be confusing, and "q" just makes no sense), and this is a great way to practice. While he did that, Sebastian sat beside him and matched the colors, which was an added bonus and one of those things that I am just sure he's known how to do for forever but decided to keep hidden until he could really shock Mommy.

This is also my Pin A Week moment for this week. I can't take credit for this. I found it while perusing through Pinterest one day. Ah, Pinterest. You are so loved!

There is something just kind of magical about brothers. I can't describe it any better than that, and it doesn't really need a description.

Parker said he wanted to give me a Valentine, then walked up and did this with a cheerful "Happy Valentine's, Mommy! I love you!" Yeah. I kind of melted.

This happened this week. What?! Our little daredevil learned how to climb out of his crib, and to avoid injury, we decided that it was time to put him in a "big boy bed". I don't know why it shocked me so much. Parker was about the same age, if I remember correctly, but I kind of felt like I was kicked in the stomach. He has taken to it like a champ! So proud of my bi boys! (By the way, the boys sharing a room is amazing! They love it, we love it, it's beautiful! Again, something amazing and special about brothers!)

The moments that really matter!