Take a Moment to Breath

Well here we are again. Again it has been far too long. Again I have so much to catch up on. However, I'm going to take a moment hear to just breath. The last thing I want is for my blog to become a stressful thing. I want to come here to release stress. So I'm going to take a breath, let out an "Ohm", and realize that I can catch up on everything over several posts. It doesn't all have to be in this one. (Thank goodness, or it might turn into a small novelette.) 

Take a Moment and Breath needs to be my new motto in life, not just on the blog. I realized today that it is all going by way to fast. Despite being here every day, part of ever moment, I feel like I'm missing it. 

Maybe it isn't so much needing to take a moment to breath. Maybe it's more "Take a Breath and Enjoy the Moment You're IN" I am a stresser. I am a planner. Part of that is always having a wary eye (or two) on the future. Lately, I feel that I have been spending so much time looking ahead that I am forgetting to embrace the moments happening around me. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be that. Any mother can tell you that the little moments with your children go by far too quickly anyways...Even if you aren't wasting time looking (and worrying) forward.

Obviously you have to look forward for some things. You can't just skip through life with no thought to the future. Never wondering what the consequences of your present choices might be. Never planing for the future of your children or your family. That doesn't work either. But there has to be a balance. You have to take the time, while peeking through the misty window into your future, to stop and take in what is going on around you. Right here. Right this second.

There are a lot of different dishes piled up on out plates right now. There are some unusual "work things" going on with Michael that have us both on edge. Unimaginable trials are going on with family back home in Ohio, and months of prayers, tears, and lengthy conversations have wrung us dry and flung us aside feeling helpless and stressed. (And mad, betrayed, hopeless, alone...You get the idea.) Our usual homesickness has been further assaulted by the realization that Michael might not get to take the leave we were planing on this Summer so that we could go home. (Michael hasn't been home in almost 3 years, and I haven't seen the Buckeye State in 18 months now.) As usual, my own body and health seem to be working against me in every goal that I have for this year, including the possibility of extending our family. And just this week poor Michael ended up in the hospital with pancreatitis, which lets me know that the stress of the last several months has caught up with my usually absurdly healthy husband's body. (A fact that doesn't help easy my own worry or stress at all. Michael is the rock that our family builds it's foundation on. To see him falter in any way shape or form makes me feel like the world has gone all shaky.)

It would be easy, with everything going on, to lose site of the magical little moments happening around us every day. And I am guilty of that. Some days I feel 100% on the ball, and some days I feel like a lifetime has passed me by, and I have missed all of it. My baby, my baby, turned 18 months old this week. He is so brilliant. Such a smart boy, and I'm not saying that because he's mine. :) He really is a brilliant child. He reminds me so much of his brother, except he is not as verbal. He has no issues comprehending, but his needs and desires are usually met without much need to talk about it. A direct result of being the baby in a family with two enchanted parents and an adoring brother. Still, every day he is learning something new, or showing me something that I think is new but he's probably known how to do for months. :) He's just amazing, but I get little aches in my heart when I look at him and realize that my "baby" has morphed into a toddler and will be a brilliant young man before I can take another breath.

As Parker is. I remember him so vividly at Sebastian's age. And I don't know when it happened. I can't pinpoint the moment, and that makes me sad, but my first born is all little boy now. There is nothing left of the toddler that was just yesterday crawling into my lap for snuggles. Gone is the chub of his precious little baby cheeks. He is tall and lean and will talk to you in length about ninja turtles, trains, and favorite books. He wants to know who, what, where, when and why about everything. He is everyday teaching his brother something new, and he can navigate an iPod better than most adults I know. (They both can, truth be told. The other day Sebastian answered my phone and had a lengthy conversation with my mother before I even knew that he was talking to a real person. I thought he was pretending.) Parker has the most beautiful heart I have ever seen in a child, and again I am not just saying this because he is mine. He is truly a blessed, beautiful soul who loves life and whose goodness just radiates to those around him. Even when he is being a stubborn little boy that makes me want to pull my hair out. :)

I don't want to miss this. I can't miss this, because they are moments I can't get back. I have a feeling that they will just keep going by faster and faster too, and that scares the jeepers out of me! So I need to embrace my new motto. I need to remember to take a breath and enjoy the moment I am living right now. Yes, tomorrow might bring with it a whole new set of worries. Yes, my obsessive planning and re-planing might help us avoid x, y, or z in the distant future, but if I miss this, if I miss what is going on in my own back yard right now, then what is the point? If I spend my entire life planning the perfect future, I'll miss everything I've worried so much about anyways.

This isn't an intervention. I know full well that I won't wake up tomorrow with the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders, stretching luxuriously, every hair in place, as bluebirds alight on my window singing a blissful morning tune. I have been a worrier for over 29 years, and that isn't going to change now. But I am going to make a very strong effort to put the worry aside enough that I can still grasp onto these moments I am living now. I owe it to my family. I owe it to me.

And now, for some amazing moments I captured in the last week or so. I live for this!

This was so much fun, and has been requested several times. Parker can identify all of his capitol letters and about 65% of his lower case letters. He's still struggling with a few though (and lets be fair, "b" and "d" can be confusing, and "q" just makes no sense), and this is a great way to practice. While he did that, Sebastian sat beside him and matched the colors, which was an added bonus and one of those things that I am just sure he's known how to do for forever but decided to keep hidden until he could really shock Mommy.

This is also my Pin A Week moment for this week. I can't take credit for this. I found it while perusing through Pinterest one day. Ah, Pinterest. You are so loved!

There is something just kind of magical about brothers. I can't describe it any better than that, and it doesn't really need a description.

Parker said he wanted to give me a Valentine, then walked up and did this with a cheerful "Happy Valentine's, Mommy! I love you!" Yeah. I kind of melted.

This happened this week. What?! Our little daredevil learned how to climb out of his crib, and to avoid injury, we decided that it was time to put him in a "big boy bed". I don't know why it shocked me so much. Parker was about the same age, if I remember correctly, but I kind of felt like I was kicked in the stomach. He has taken to it like a champ! So proud of my bi boys! (By the way, the boys sharing a room is amazing! They love it, we love it, it's beautiful! Again, something amazing and special about brothers!)

The moments that really matter!

Another Overdue Update

I have decided that I really need to start setting myself set blogging days. I always have so much to say, but I never end up getting it done, and then I end up having to write these obnoxious update blogs that make me feel like a slacker. *sigh*

I guess to start out, I am still doing projects every week. However, shortly after writing my last post, my laptop decided to die. I am currently being forced to do everything on Michael's old laptop, which has neither my pictures or picture programs on it, so you won't see a post with details and pictures on any of my projects until he gets home. Sorry about that. I am just not tech savvy enough to fix my own laptop, and he hasn't been able to talk me through it over the phone.

Speaking of homecomings, I am starting to get really worried. This is nothing new for me, but it is still hard every time. Homecomings look like a very easy, beautiful thing on TV...and they are beautiful, but they are also nerve wracking, stressful, and hard. Not for everyone, I'm sure, and not impossibly so, but they are an adjustment. I, being a creature of habit and not nearly as "go with the flow" as I try to pretend I am, have a hard time with the huge shift of my every day life. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to have my husband home. It is change, though, and takes some time for me to get used to.

Sebastian's birthday has come and gone. I have pictures, which I will share when I can. We had a good time. We had a special dinner and cupcakes with some friends of ours, and then we did the smash cake (an owl) and some presents over Skype with Daddy. The plan is to have an actual birthday party after Daddy gets home in the Fall. Sebastian won't know the difference, and I know that it will mean a lot for Daddy to be there. 

I can't believe my baby is one. It seems like the year went by so quickly. I miss having a new baby to snuggle and love on (Baby Fever, here we come!), but I love watching him develop and grow. I felt the same way with Parker, but I think it is worse this time. Maybe because I know how fast it is going to go by now. How soon I will have a chattering, smart, inquisitive three year old in front of me. It's scary how fast it has happened with Parker, and it feels like it has gone by so much faster with Sebastian. Maybe because I have two now? I wonder if that means any more we have will happen in a blink. Probably. That makes me sad too.

Yes, we want more children. Yes, we will probably start discussing that soon. No, I don't want your opinion on the issue. If I want to have as many children as the Duggers and I am the one raising and taking care of them, it really isn't anyone's business. Thanks. (For the people who think they have the right to tell me what to do with my uterus.)

I will write more soon. Like I said, I plan on making myself blog on certain days. Goodness knows I need it.

Deep Thoughts

OK, maybe not so deep, but my blog was in desperate need of an update. Not just a post with some new craft I've done or some three line update...a real update. So, here it goes...

First off, I promise I'm still doing my Pin A Week, I just haven't had the time to edit and post my pictures the last several weeks. So, the next time I do post, there will probably be three or four little projects in one post. Yippy!

Also, despite the fact that I only posted 6 weeks of updates, I did continue on with and finish the whole P90X program! There wasn't a whole lot new to post every week except that I kept on keeping on, and I had family visiting for several weeks this Summer, which made my time to blog about working out less. However, I finished the entire 90 days, and I am very proud of myself for that. First, the positive. I could feel myself getting stronger. There were things I could do at the end of the 90 days that I never thought I would do when I started. I was so happy to see those kinds of changes in myself. On the negative side, I only lost about 6lbs the whole 90 days. Really? REALLY? I could lose more just not eating for a week. (I know, I know, not a healthy way to do it, but seriously?) I would by lying if I didn't say that I was heartbroken. I wanted so very much for hubby to come home from this deployment and be shocked at this drastic change in my appearance. Instead, I just felt like I let us both down. Like there was something I could have done more or harder or...who knows. I just feel terrible. 

However, I took a break for a couple of weeks, and I am now two weeks into P90X: Round Two. I know that I have issues most other people don't fighting my weight loss, and even if I'm not losing weight, I can feel the difference in myself. That has to count for something. (I am also hoping that once I am back on my medication for my tumor that the weight will start coming off a little faster. It should balance my hormones out a bit.)

Which brings me to this deployment. I have often said I should write more during deployments. After all, it is probably one of the times in my life I most need an outlet, and that is one of the reasons I started this blog, right? I don't mind sharing that one of the reasons I haven't posted more about this deployment is that I am not very proud how I have been handling it. I've been a complete and total wimp about it, to be honest, and I certainly don't want to create post after post with me bitching. Maybe that is what I need, who knows, but I do know that this deployment is by far the hardest for me so far.

Everyone I have tried to talk to about it attributes the difficulties this time around to the fact that I have two little ones now instead of one. I have tried to explain that this isn't it. If anything, having my two little men is keeping me functional this time around. I have to get out of bed. I have to put on a happy face. I have to keep functioning, because it's not just about me right now. Things have to stay as normal as they can for those little boys. Because, even if people sneer and make comments like "You chose this life, why are you whining now?", my son's didn't choose this. It is a life we chose for them, and they have to have everything I can give them to help them get through this. I have nothing but adoration for how Parker handles it too. He is so proud of his Daddy, telling anyone he can that his Daddy is a "good guy" and helps "keep me safe". My three year old is my hero, because he gives his Daddy freely without begrudging the sacrifice at all, knowing that sometimes there are people who need Daddy a little more than he does. 

Not me. I am angry about this deployment. I am bitter about this deployment. I am miserable about this deployment. It wasn't his turn, damn it! And I can't seem to get over that. We've experienced three deployments in under three years, and the other two I have actually been a little proud of myself. I miss him, and I am sad, but I find a routine. I find a place for everything, including that sadness, and once I get into the swing of things I can go days, weeks even, without shedding a tear. I still miss him, but it doesn't eat away at my insides and cause almost daily little breakdowns either. Hell, I gave birth last time with him 8,000 miles away on a phone, and that was still easier than this deployment has been. 

I think part of it was how unexpected this one was. It wasn't his rotation, so there was no prior expectation of him going. Yes, they can go at any time when needed (obviously), but there were more than enough people in his shop who were up to go. People who have never been before. People who should have been shipping out instead of him. And then one thing after another happened, all of them against our favor, and the next thing I know I am kissing him goodbye again just six months after joyfully kissing him hello and handing him his month old son for the first time. I feel like I'd been hit by a truck. Completely blindsided. 

I had made the decision not to go home this deployment. I wish I could say I didn't know why, but I do. I was worried what people would say about me if I left. I was worried they would say "Oh, she can't hack it." or "She needs to get used to this deployment thing." or a number of other nasty, gossip-like comments that military wives like to throw around because they have nothing better to do than sit and judge people. Why did I care, you ask? Good question. After all, I've done a deployment alone here in Idaho, so I've already earned that "badge of honor". I've also done a deployment back home, and the benefits were not mine alone. It was so wonderful getting to watch Parker as he got to know his family. Really know them, and not just from pictures and stories I told him. This time though...I could try to say it would have been the stress of taking three animals and two children cross country, I could try to say that it was because I don't know who would have watched the house and taken care of the lawn while I was gone, I could try to say a lot of things, and all of them would be true. In the end, though, I am ashamed to say I was too worried about what people would think and what people would say, and because of it I robbed my sons and my family of the chance for another amazing Summer together. Most of these people I don't even like, so why the Hell did I let them make a major life decision like this for me? Because I am an idiot. My grandfather was in the hospital this Summer, and I was here instead of there because I was so worried what people would think of me. Stupid, stupid Holly. 

I have learned something though. I will never make this mistake again. Next deployment, I am going home. These are times I can't give back to anyone, but I won't make the same mistake again. 

All that being said, this deployment hasn't been all bad. I have made some friends, people I knew before, but now we are really friends, and that is great. Friends are not something that fall in my lap easily, so the few friendships I do have are rare and special. My mother and sister got to come out and visit for five whole weeks, and that was fun too. And of course, there are the boys. Always my boys. Always keeping me headed in the right direction.

Well, maybe these thoughts did end up deeper than I had thought they would. I will be back. I will write more, I promise. I obviously need it.

A Pin A Week: Birthday Invites & Banner

I am not going to show a lot of pictures or give a lot of details this week. Just know, I have been busy. This week I have been working on invitations for Sebastian's first birthday party. I am done, except for the dates (Which I don't know yet. We might push the party back for when Daddy can be home, depending on when that is.) I am not giving a lot of detail in this post because I want them to be a surprise for everyone. I'll try to remember to write a detailed post about their creation at a later time. :0)

A Pin A Week: Canvas Chalk Board

Who doesn't love chalk boards, right? And who, having seen the amazing invention that is chalk board paint, hasn't wanted to do a project with it? Truth be told, I would love that the boys have an entire chalk board wall in their play room, and if we had a home of our own they would. Living in base housing however, it's not in our best interest to cover a wall with chalk board pain. It would be a pain to paint over, and all the work we put into it would be a waste of time once we get orders. (Which I have to keep telling myself will happen one day.)

There was no reason that I couldn't make something for them that was portable though, and cute to boot. I saw lots of different ideas on Pinterest, but nothing using a canvas, which was what has been stuck in my head for some time now. So, I decided to go ahead and do it myself. 

A Pin A Week: Mod Podge Letters

I have actually done a few mod podge letter projects, but this is the first one I bothered to take pictures for. Usually I just get to into what I am doing and completely forget, but I made a note to make sure I took step-by-step pictures this time. Yay me!

I made these for my nieces. In the interest of easy shipping, I didn't do their whole names, but instead stuck with doing the first letter of each of their names. I had a lot of fun decorating them, and hope that I'll be home to see them hung in their rooms very soon. (I miss you Sophia, Shelly, & Tessa!)

A Pin A Week: Patriotic Wreath

I am excited about this one. I'm excited about all of them, of course, or I wouldn't do them, but I have long desired a wide collection of wreaths for my front door that I could change out depending on holiday and season...this is just the beginning. :0)

I can't take credit for the idea. I found it here on Pinterest. (Where else?) I think I might use a very similar idea for some other projects I hope to work on in the future though.

A Pin A Week: Silhouettes

This is one I've been working on over the course of a couple of weeks. I think I painted one week then put the scrapbook paper on the next week and then it was a couple of weeks before I ended up cutting out the actual silhouettes...Still, here they are and done now. I like them a lot. I even know where I am going to hang them, though I haven't got them up yet. Maybe in another couple of weeks. :0)

A Pin A Week: Catching Up

Believe it or not, I have been working on my Pin A Week project that I set out to do when Michael deployed again. I just have been really bad about posting said projects. I am a busy lady, and sometimes (Well, most of the time.) blogging takes a back seat to everything else, including just laying in my bed and vegging out at the end of the day.

However, I am pretty proud of what I have been doing the last few weeks, so I certainly want to take the time to get pictures and instructions posted. Right now I'm just going to take the chance to show you a finished project I have done which was the result of several different projects coming into one.

A Pin A Week: Portable Sand Table

I really loved my sand box when I was little. I mean really loved it. Because of that, I would really love for the boys to have a sand box they can play in too, but it's just not something we can do right now. Living in base housing, you have to be really conscience of things like killing the grass in a spot where your sand box is sitting. They tend to frown on large patches of dead grass. Go figure. I still want to do one. I saw a great idea on Pinterest of one with wheels! 

Until then though, I wanted to have something that Parker could enjoy this Summer. (Sebastian might enjoy it too, if he likes the taste of sand.) So, I decided to make him a portable sand box. One of the things I love about this is that he'll be able to play with it anywhere, even inside at the kitchen table if we have a cold or rainy day.

Kisses From Daddy: Deployment Countdown

Deployments suck. There is no way around it. They really suck when it is the third in just over two and a half years. They really, really suck when you have a just turned three year old who has only had Daddy back for 6 months before saying goodbye again. It's hard to help him understand the concept of Daddy coming home...but not for many months.  After all, how hard is it to wrap your mind around months at an age where hours seems like an eternity?

I felt like it was very important that we come up with some way to help Parker count down to Daddy coming home to us again. He really needed something for him to look at that he could actually see changing and bringing us closer to the homecoming we are all so anxiously waiting for. 

Enter the Daddy Kisses jar.

A Pin A Week Until Daddy Comes Home

Well, we're doing it again. Another one of those deployment things. I'm thrilled. *enter sarcasm here* I would be lying if I didn't admit it would be tempting just to go home again. The quality time that the boys could spend with family...I thought about it. And decided against it. It's not the best thing for myself or the boys. I like us having our own home. Our own spit. Even if it is a million miles away from where we all want to be. I'd hate to give up our little house here. Even if I don't like where it is, I like our home. 

The key to getting through any deployment is to keep busy. And I'm going to do this by making this little house more of a home. Putting up some more pictures, decorations, maybe getting a rug or two...I've I've decided to start my own little challenge. Figured I would post it on here in case someone wanted to join along. Could be fun. :0)